There is a bit of a theme running through my life at the moment and hence, through my blogging. I am burnt out. From life, from diabetes, from pushing myself to get fitter and lose weight, from work and study, family and the whole lot of it. This is not a whinge fest. I do not dislike any of these things in fact I love my work, my study, my life, my fitness kick and my family. It is common in our world to tell people who are baring their souls in regards to how they are feeling about things, to get over it. That there are “far worse off people”, that we have a lot to be grateful for, that tomorrow is a new day. It is somehow assumed that if you have a vent about things being a bit tough, you are weak, or you don’t like your life, or that it is too hard for them to hear so they want you to just pretend life is all pretty and shiny.
I believe ALL of these things. Tomorrow IS a new day. There ARE people worse off. I DO have a lot to be grateful for. This does not mean that I can not experience painful things. And these ideas make up part of what I do in my work supporting people living with diabetes. A lot of how we feel is related to how we think about stuff. And how we react. Taking a positive approach, being mindful, letting go of so called negative thoughts and taking a positive attitude DO help. And I am a firm believer in things like exercise, music, walks in the fresh air, a cuddle and a good chat with a loved one, for making you feel better. Being grounded and not worrying, that is the way to live life.
I also think some days, things suck. Sometimes you feel a sense of things being too hard, too much, too the same…..and some days you just want to shout STOP. And that’s ok. So called negative feelings and thoughts are sometimes just like the unpopular girl. The thing on the menu nobody wants to pick. The elephant in the room. But we all experience these things. Painful thoughts and feelings are valid and important. Trying to whistle a tune and pretend if we just think positive these feelings or thoughts will go away do not really make them go away.
Allowing them to be. Noticing them and understanding them and then working on being able to work around them, work with them, lessen their impact – this makes far more sense. A person who says they do not feel any negative emotions, no sadness, anger, stress or guilt, is kidding themselves.
I am over diabetes at the moment. It is not playing fair. Why the hell you wake up with a perfect level of 6 mmol like today, have a totally usual breakfast with a totally usual amount of insulin and check 2 hours later and it is 16 mmol is beyond me….why when I am exercising 4 – 6 times a week, working my butt off, have lost 13 kilos and changing my entire outlook on my health, does this happen. Why when the chick at the gym checked my blood pressure was it still high despite losing weight and exercising my butt off….why even though I am changing my attitude and ignoring the aches and pains and frozen shoulders and clicky knees and blood glucose crazyfests while I am burning millions of calories and even RUNNING for the first time in decades – am I still a person with so many bits of me that don’t work……these thoughts bring painful feelings. I am working on this, I am working on the balance between being a 45 year old with bits of me that don’t work so well who still has diabetes that does not play fair, with being a fitness junkie and looking and feeling fitter but who is no longer 25 . This takes time.
This is reality and I am facing up to it front and centre. Come on life – Bite Me.