Judgement Day

Tomorrow is Judgement Day. My first visit to the Endocrinologist AKA Diabetes Doctor,  in over 8 months. And my last blood results, given to me by my Gastroenterologist, AKA Stomach Doctor, over the phone, were a few months back where he informed me that “everything is fine in my department, but as for your Endo’s department….” “EXCUSE me? I butted in, “whose department? ”

Forgive me but I thought that my diabetes was MY department?

“In any case” he said, “your diabetes control is crap at the moment”. “Yes” I screamed (in my head), I just got through telling you that my diabetes control has been CRAP due to my ever increasing problems with my stomach and the ongoing battle with Gastroparesis – which in case you forgot what you trained for – is YOUR FRIGGING DEPARTMENT.

Silence.

So I had more tests done on the weekend, ready for tomorrow’s appointment and now I wait for Judgement Day.

My tummy troubles have been getting worse so I don’t expect things to be much better. My frozen shoulder is still stuck. My diabetes control is still as it is. My life has not changed that much. Don’t get me wrong he is a wonderful man and doctor, but it still feels like walking in to see The Terminator every time I go to any of the many “ologists” who frequent my life.

“Hop on the scales” he says. “Ok” I say, madly thinking what can I realistically take off without getting nude here, to reduce the weight on the scales? Shoes, yep, socks, yep, jacket, yep, jeans – ummm, nope. Ok get on the scales but stand on tippy toes, to try and decrease the weight, just like I am floaaating in a balloon…never works.

Next, let’s look at the blood results. Lots of numbers are read out to me. Usually most are ok. Giving me no real reason for why I am so exhausted, so worn out, so over things……except those times I did have low iron…

“Looking at the overall picture”, he said to me last time, “if we take out the fact  you have had a frozen shoulder for 3 years, you have type 1 diabetes, arthritis, sjoren’s disease, gastroparesis, IBS, reflux, low vitamin D, a small goiter and a few other more minor issues – really, you are in excellent health”.

Oh that is good then, I thought.

I am usually a very positive person around my health.  In fact I am often quite oblivious to the fact that I live with chronic disease and multiple conditions I need to manage. I take life well and truly by the horns and shake it madly. I am happy, I love life and I live it fully and at speed. I have an amazing family and group of friends, I love my work and have many pleasures in life.

However even I have my days where I think, what now? I am over it. What is going to happen to me? Usually this is when things get a little worse with my health, get a little trickier, change in some way. At the moment I am considering the fact that 4 years is a long time to live with a frozen shoulder and so may have to have an operation – this is challenging.

Mostly though with ever increasing problems with my digestive system and ever decreasing foods I seem to be able to eat at the moment, I must say I am feeling a little anxious, lonely and even scared. When they told me at 12 I would lose my eyesight, kidneys, lower limbs and never have healthy babies, they left out the bit about damage to all the nerves from the top to the bottom of my digestion…but thank the universe (or just luck) I still have my eyes, my kidneys, my legs and my 3 beautiful healthy boys.

I am hopeful that Judgement Day tomorrow may bring me support and an open ear. Rather than a closed mind and a huge bullet.

Come on make my day.

Helen

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